I got chris browned last night
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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