I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
