OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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