My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
