Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
