I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you had me at cake vodka
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
