party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Barsexuality is the new black.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
