I cannot find my penis.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
