Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
