he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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