just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
