Already got asked if we're dating
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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