It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
