i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
