I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize