i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
