found the other keg... it's in the tree
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
pray to the hookup gods
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
