If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
