You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
