my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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