ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
