Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
