I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
