I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize