My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
