it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
