There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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