how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
