I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
