He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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