guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
