that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
