there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
