my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish you could order shots online.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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