I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
