Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
