Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
