i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
