i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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