well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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