I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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