im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
