I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
