I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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