life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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