me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize