Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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