I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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