I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
