I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
