You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
