You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
