he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
