I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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