her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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