i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
